Novel at 2am - The Brain that wouldn't sleep.
Here it is 2 am, and I cannot sleep. I got home a little while ago from spending time with two of the craziest, funniest, most amazing ladies, who bless my life more than they know! I left the festivities because I was getting tired...yet here I am writing to you, blogger world, with thoughts racing in my mind. I read something today that sent my mind in a spiral of flashbacks and revelations...sounds intriguing, doesn't it?? After reading my devotion for the day (Yes I am still reading the Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young), I realized that it is exactly one year to the day that I received my Jesus Calling in the mail! Now, total side-note, but if you are a smart cookie, you'll look at the date I posted this and see that it reads "March 27." You have to remember that in my mind, it is still the 26th because my day is still not over (thanks to my over overactive thinking brain) haha, so this statement still applies. ;) Anyways, back to my story, my little moment of "déjà vu" stuck with me all day, so much so that I had to write about it.
In that moment, I began to take myself back to that place - back to March 26, 2011. I was going through an entirely different situation than I am now, and I can say with confidence that God has shaped me and molded me into a stronger woman since that point in time. I was going through a time of healing, a time of shifting perspectives from my small outlook to God's higher and wider view of life, a time of waiting on God to show me the plans for my future, a time of trusting that what He had called me to do was in fact possible and attainable, and a time of learning to be content and satisfied with what God was doing in my life. Funny thing is...that is exactly what I am going through right now except with new realities and circumstances. Can you say Circle of life?!
I find myself at the same crossroad that I was in one year ago; a time of waiting before God while trying to deal with the change in direction that he has called me to live out in this current chapter of my life. In the past 6 months I have experienced new classes, relationships, job opportunities, and have even debated switching my major several times. With all the new experiences that God has brought in and out of my life completely blessing me with, he has also shown me that for everything there is a season...some lasting longer or shorter than others.
Over the winter break, around late December / January of 2011, God really impressed on my heart to unpack some things that I had so perfectly stuffed away in my brain from years and years ago, intending to never have them resurface again. Can you say change of plans? This was an extremely hard thing for me, because I am what I like to call a "professional stuffer." Over the years the phrase "I'm fine," has been of frequent usage in my vocabulary - simply because I didn't want to deal with the idea that I could not handle being vulnerable or in control.
Though I knew it would be painful and an extremely hard/scary road, I knew I had to obey every detail of what God was calling me to do. For the past three months I have been processing and healing; "unstuffing" issues which I had no idea were apparently still affecting me. This processing has brought on some of the deepest valleys, and some of the hardest times really testing my faith in God and my ability to trust that the surgery he was doing was actually for my benefit...which ultimately brought me to a point of surrender. God softened my heart and gave me more faith to endure the refining fire I was experiencing. We are refined to become stronger. Not stronger like a tank, but strong enough to become more mature and able to handle the next trial or storm that comes our way. I learned that in order to "let go and let God" it meant surrendering control, my ENTIRE control...and not just the parts that were comfortable giving up (God pointed that out, real quick. haha). Isn't it funny how that was one of the lines from the Jesus Calling? ;) ironic? ...maybe. God directed and intentional that i needed to be reminded again...I think yes.
Over the past year (and especially in the past 6 months), I've come to realize a lot about my life
and about my faith.
1. I realized how darn controlling I am,
wanting everything to go the way "I want it to go."
Then I was reminded (& am still learning)
the importance of surrender.
I can't be my own savior,
...taking the world on my shoulders is not healthy
practical, or even possible.
God has the best in store for me.
If I try and take life into my own hands ,
I'm robbing myself from experiencing
life the way God has planned
>>"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths." - Proverbs 3:5-6
>>"The heart of man plans his way,
but the Lord establishes his steps." - Proverbs 16:9
>>"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.
Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you.
Plans to give you a hope and future." - Jeremiah 29:11
>>"Commit your actions to the Lord,
and your plans will succeed." - Proverbs 16:3
2. I realized how much I am constantly striving
for perfection in every area of my life.
Trying to show that "I have it all together."
Then I was reminded that it is okay
to not have it all together,
and that no one is perfect or can live perfect
except Jesus.
Its not about my glory at all, but about
sharing His love and working for the glory of God.
I don't need to "prove" my love or abilities.
My best is simply, enough.
>>"For I am confident of this very thing,
that He who began a good work in you
will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." -Philippians 1:6
>>"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart,
as working for the Lord, not for human masters,
since you know that you will receive an inheritance
from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."
-Colossians 3:23-24
3. I realized how hard it is for me to be vulnerable
and honest about what is really going on inside.
Then God showed me how to trust
and to not fear what others perceive
or think - reality is, others are dealing
or have dealt with those same struggles and insecurities,
so why try and battle them alone?
It is unfair for me to ask details and vulnerability
from others, if I cannot even come to terms with expressing
my faults and troubles...Being a robot is no fun.
>>"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."
- Proverbs 27:17
4. I realized that I am in no way worthy
of God's grace or love, because of my human tendencies.
I can't earn it. I can't get it on my own.
Then God showed me (and is constantly showing me)
that He loves me for me,
because I am His daughter and his creation
- He loved me before I loved him back.
Even though I am so unworthy, He gave it ALL
so He could have an intimate relationship with Me.
There is no love greater.
>>"For by grace you have been saved through faith.
And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,
not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus
for good works, which God prepared beforehand,
that we should walk in them." - Ephesians 2:8-10
5. I realized how scared I am of failing.
Then I was reminded of how I cannot fail with God.
...How He has already overcome
and provided victory where victory needs to be won.
>>"In all these things we are more than conquerors
through him who loved us" - Romans 8:37
>> "Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,
for the LORD your God goes with you;
he will never leave you nor forsake you.” - Deuteronomy 31:6
Honestly, the list could go on and on. Like I said, I am a different person today than I was one year ago. Sure that is a common fact for everyone...time changes us, big deal - however, it has been amazing to see the journey that I have experienced over the last year alone.
Truth of the matter is, I am still waiting. Although, its not the type of waiting like you would do in the waiting room of a doctor's office...listening to the clock noisily ticking by, and watching everyone else get their name called except you. This is the type of waiting that I need to be actively pursuing. Like how you would be waiting as you are driving on your way to a destination. God is calling me to move. Change my normal modes of thinking and to continue moving forward one step at a time. Just like the street signs pass in front of you as you pass every major cross street on a busy road, God is calling me to "keep on truckin," trusting that He will reveal all of my major "cross streets" in the right time...but the only way to get there is if I keep moving forward! God gives us gifts in life, but sometimes we need to go out and grab them! Standing with your feet in the sand doesn't do anything!
Even though I have no idea how to do it right, I am so excited to figure out this next season of my life. Its probably going to involve me falling down and getting back up again several times, like a little toddler learning to walk - but I'm ok with that because I know I am holding the Hand of my Creator leading me in the right direction.
>>we were made to be courageous.
If the journey of 1,000 miles begins with one step,
Looks like I need to get myself a pair of walking shoes!
"Show me the right path O Lord;
point out the road for me to follow.
Lead me by your truth and teach me for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you."
-Psalm 25:4-5
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